There is a point of our journeys when we suddenly think: “I don’t know why I came here and I don’t know what I am looking for” and that is the moment when the only thing we can do is being comfortable inside our own bodies and being confident about the process, the time and the space, without freaking out.
We think that we need an intention – we always need an end that justifies the means. There’s nothing we do in our lives that hasn’t a goal behind. Even when we sit meditating, which is the act of simply being, mindful and thoughtless, even for that we set a goal of doing a reset or feeling calmer. And so our lives keep moving on but we cannot totally let go, because we still want to hold on to the idea that we control everything and that we can tell the story from the beginning to the end.
We don’t want to don’t know about a thing. We are afraid of not being the driver of the vehicle anymore and of losing the control of the situation. We want to make sure we know the origin, the middle of the path and the destination, all in one.
Like this, when we take a decision in our lives that, in the end, doesn’t take us where we wanted to reach, we get very upset and depressed. But that’s not how it should be. Why? Because everything has a very meaningful reason to happen how it happens. There is a Buddhism metaphor that says when we grab sand with our hands and then let it fall on a surface, the exact and unique position of each grain of sand is the same than that of the events of our lives: just as they are, perfect and unique.
Last time I went for an adventurous walk, I did an analogy with the real life experiences. Each time I would find a path where I was not sure if it had a way out or not, I would feel unwilling to go for it because I didn’t want to make it all the way back again. Isn’t it the same with our lives? We have lots of opportunities to embrace but we are not sure if we will get to somewhere specific or if we will just realize that the best is returning back and choosing a different path. But isn’t it beautiful to just don’t know and to accept that whatever result we will take out of the experience, at least we went for it and we tried?
I always had in mind the clear notion that I wanted to improve myself and to find a more harmonious version of me, to improve my relationships and to develop a sense of compassion for everyone, but that was all. I didn’t know what would that specifically mean and what would my experiences be made of, where, in the company of who, which results and what kind of impacts in my life. After four months on the spectacular and odd India, I am sure that this is where I need to be, but I am experiencing the dissolution of my “certainties” and more questions are arising.
Actually, the more I study, the more I meditate and sharpen my mind, the more people I meet and the more approaches I come across in this journey, the more open I feel, too, and the more willing to learn about myself I am.
I hope that you know we don’t need anyone but ourselves to justify our life decisions, we are not here to prove anything to anyone and we don’t need a clear, solid, fixed plan to do something with our own lives. We just need the energy, the strength and the motivation. Everything else will just be the little grain of sand, landing perfectly on the surface. Let’s trust it.
By Margarida Pimenta